Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
