if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
