if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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