Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
