I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
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