she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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