i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
from now on my penis is your penis
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Randomize
