I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
