I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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