I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
