I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Randomize