there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
