Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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