I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
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