Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
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