i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
