There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Randomize
