I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
Shitshow foam night was such a success
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
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