Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
it was like eating out sand paper
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
