i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Randomize
