proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
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