ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
Redeem this text for a blowjob
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
