I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
