eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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