I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
