My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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