glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
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