he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
We are two peas in an std pod
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Randomize
