I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
Who did Billy Mays play for?
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize
