You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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