I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
farters have to be the big spoon...
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Randomize
