Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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