Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
Randomize
