I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
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