I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
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