Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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