i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
