and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
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