so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Randomize
