evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
