the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
