glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
Randomize
