It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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