So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
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