Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
i think i have herpe
just one?
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Randomize
