i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Randomize
