there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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