Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Randomize
