It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Randomize
