In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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