just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize
