he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
Randomize
