You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
I yelled at your uterus for you.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Randomize
