I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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