So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
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