I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize