On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
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