The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
We should be called the Road Head Warriors
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
