it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Randomize
