Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Randomize
