your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
