She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
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