Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
