You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
You ever have a fart follow you around?
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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