Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
you only had a canadian ten, but you said it was all good cuz you would just by molson.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Randomize
