You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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