I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
